Clusterfuck. Sure, I don't update this thing unless there's been some crazy shit goin' down, but there's been tons of it.
First off, some good stuff. The band I joined have finally recorded an EP, have them professionally reproduced and have shirts as well. We've played a few shows now and it's been great, we're on hiatus at the moment due to Josh's other obligations until about half way through October, but we'll be picking things back up then. We have 6 completed songs that has become our setlist and it gives up from 35 to 40 minutes of stage time. I still think we need to perfect October Mourning to throw that into the mix at some gigs and work on some new material instead of just riding on the 6 we have right now, but I like to write, so whatever.
Anyway, that's the good stuff. The bad stuff mostly focuses around Virginia's family and the craziness that ensues there. There's miscommunication, subterfuge, lies and now straight out attacks.
To start with, I'll say that I've never liked John. At all. All other people who have dealt with him in the past say the same thing. There's just something not quite right with him. I get a feeling of uneasyness. So, years ago, he latched onto Marilyn (Virginia's mom) that he met from going to that church before it exploded. They conceived a child (Travis) and shortly after, John was fired from his job, convicted of stealing tools from the company and sent to prison for a couple years. At that time, I didn't really pay attention to anything, I couldn't really say if he did or not, but since he was convicted, that's the story I'm going with.
This left Marilyn to raise Travis for those years essentially by herself, and I believe that John was supposed to be paying back child support for someone (I'm assuming Chiloh, but I never really talked to her about any of that). Being that he was already screwed and paying back child support, and being sent to prison meant that he couldn't keep up with those payments and it severely messed him up. He is not eligible for anything involving credit, and since Marilyn is married to him, she's in the same boat too.
This was the last I'd heard about things other then that sometimes Marilyn would borrow money from Sean. I lost track of all of that stuff when I moved to Sacramento in 2002.
Enter 2008 when I move to Denver. They're living in Denver too, and apparently have had financial trouble ever since. Some times being better than others, but from what I've been hearing, Sean has had to bail them out of all sorts of financial troubles through the years, and it seems like their tactic has been to widthold information until the last minute so that they wouldn't have time to react besides just cough up the money (none of which has ever been paid back).
There has been at least two situations in the past couple of years in which they needed money to pay a bill before collectors come or they're without power, etc that Sean could not help because he has a damned family to take care of himself and they didn't have the money to help. At those times, their church stepped in to offer what they could.
This brings us up to the present. Sometime about 2 months ago it seems that they decided that they didn't have to pay rent anymore... not just be late about it, but they just flat out stopped paying their fucking rent. They had the same income coming in to the house, nothing else had changed, but they didn't tell anyone that they were in trouble, didn't discuss anything, nor have they tried to apply for financial aid from government agencies (that they're eligible for and put off and refuse to do). So, their landlord finally had it, and gave them 3 weeks to come up with ONE of their past months of rent ($700). They wait on it and wait on it, until there's 5 fucking days left before they come to Sean asking for the money. Sean's been broke for 4 months now due to speeding tickets, Kaelin's schooling requirements and other various things.
So, they start asking everybody for money, they get V to annoy people on facebook and myspace. Now, I had $50 that I could have given toward their rent and I chose not to, and I'll tell ya why. One, they've been taking other people's money for so damned long that it means nothing to them. They will not use that money to good effect and to help them re-establish themselves, the next time a rent payment is due, they'd be in the same situation and that money would have been useless. Two, it's not my fucking responsibility. I had to hide John's facebook messages a couple weeks ago, because it was nothing except day after day of bible verses about helping thy neighbor and sad emo bullshit. And three. They could have helped themselves looooong ago. Welfare, Section8, even non-profit foundations that are more than willing to help them, and they've just blown it off all these years, and why do you think that is? When they need money, they've been able to coax it out of others. Fuck that, fuck them and fuck everything.
So, what happened? The church turned them down for financial help because they've used that avenue too many times in the past and they've been evicted from their home. As a result of this, John has apparently gone a bit crazy and has spread some slander against Sean and Virginia to their church, getting far too many people involved than is necessary. If all this had happened to me, I would find out first hand what the difference is between the exit wounds of starfire and hollowpoint rounds from a 9mm.
Let me also state that John seem to keep a job for more than a month or two at best, if he even looks for them. That family just seems to be great at destroying good opportunities around them.
The other frustration I've been dealing with is PG&E. There's been a bill that's apparently gone to collections in my name, but it's for an account that was accidentally opened and had been properly transferred to the proper account and mine was closed. When my account was closed, there was no mention of a balance due, just an "ok, is there anything else I can do for you?" Much less, there was a phone number attached to that account, that being Adgee's phone and there was no call to her at any point about a past due bill.
After countless hours of calling the collectors and PG&E, we have finally sorted the bill out, $120-something was improperly transferred to the other account, so that was taken care of, and the other $50 was owed through the other addresses of Rancho Cordova and Fairfield where they had lived prior to moving. These charges were never seen to be billed to the account even though they existed and that was the money that I apparently owed for after the clarification. The $54-something had been paid over the phone by Adgee after that had been dealt with (with both of us on the phone so that we could officially get information on each other's accounts). The problem I'm fighting with now is that PG&E is still throwing that on my credit report as a paid collection even though it never seemed to have been billed properly, nor did they let the account owner know of this balance due at the time the account was closed. That, and PG&E and the collectors have issues communicating, so I got called a couple days later by the collectors and had a fun time trying to calm the operator down so I could explain the error on PG&E's part and that the debt has been paid regardless.
At the end of the day, I guess having a collections paid on my credit rating isn't the worst thing ever, but it's already screwed up the two cards I have jacking their interest well over 20%, this was before the status of "paid collection" has been applied though. This is still the EXACT reason why I wanted them to move the PG&E account into their name YEARS ago, but they didn't want to pay the security deposit I guess they needed to pay to start it up in their name... well, I've paid a DEAR cost toward their security deposit in the end, and I'm really not happy about it.
And my shoes have essentially shit the bed. the insoles have become ratty and smell like death depending on what socks I'm wearing on any given day. The insides are just as messed up as the outsides are, so I don't want to pay the ~70 it takes to get them resoled right now. I'm in the market for some boots, probably harness boots. Cheapest ones I've found in my size are $130 and they'll go right up to $240. But I need 'em, so I'll have to deal with it, possibly get my rack at a little later date, we won't be playing gigs 'til halfway through October anyway, so I guess I have plenty of time. Can't wait for payday.
I've been on the hunt for needed equipment for the last month or so, grabbing me a 2nd opinion preamp, two expensive mics and a guitar case (finally). We hope to somehow play live shows soon, but to be honest, I'm afraid we don't have the equipment we need to do so. At least not at a venue that has a PA. See, I just got me a vocal mic and instrument mic, but Sean doesn't have any mics for him to use, and Josh's rig is downright pathetic and he's not taking anything in his life seriously right now which is very angering. Aaron's in the same boat as Sean, but I believe he needs a few more for drum micing.
Josh's rig right now is comprised of... a Galien Kruger Backline 500 head that we all chipped in on for his birthday, a bass that's falling apart and a Line6 bass pod that he just blindly plugs in. He doesn't have a cabinet, nor has he ever dialed in a tone that gives any punch to his bass sound, and yet he wonders why he can't hear himself a lot of times. I don't think he'll get a cabinet by himself, yet he'll buy a DS, PSP, booze and whatever else he's spending his unemployment money on instead, which leads me to believe that he just doesn't want to put effort or money into the band like everyone else has.
Josh is really angering me right now. I know he's a few years younger than we are, but it's become pretty apparent that he stopped maturing at 16 and he's ashamed of himself so he's running from us. Sean took a chance in hiring him to iBeta and he did ok. I agree, it was pretty messed up of the company for the way they got rid of him, but it happened anyway. Back to the rant. I constantly got really irritated by his work ethic and had to work really freakin' hard so that we'd get close to on time with our project projections... we'd still go over, but it was only by a couple hours, not 20 or so.
Well, now he's been out of a job since February? something like that. IF he's looking for jobs at all, he's only looking for ones that have a starting pay of what he had at iBeta, which was 12/hr, and quite frankly, he's not qualified for any job that pays that much, much less he's looking in the tech sector, with only 1-1.5 years of experience at a QA company, and that's really not enough to get you very far. So, he's been out of work for 5 months now, and he's contemplating moving back in with mom and dad because the $1,000/mo he's getting on unemployment just isn't enough for him to continue his lifestyle I guess.
I really don't like that idea, as that will raise the rest of our rent... for me, it'll go to 400 from 320, which means that I'll move from having 120 spending money to 40 per paycheck, and the company won't be giving me a raise even though I've assumed the role of test lead. Of course if that happens, it will kind of dampen Aaron's plan of getting a place before our two year lease is up, but we all agreed to that before the lease was signed.
I really hate the idea of people who can fuck up because they have their parents to fall back on. I think it's partially that their parent's didn't properly prepare them for the real world, and that they're far more interested in protecting their kids than have them learn how to live for themselves. I've seen too many people do it, and they don't learn when mommy and daddy can make it all better. Chiloh, Adgee, Josh, Eva, they've all done it. Adgee has thankfully wisened up though. I might be a little bitter about it as I've never really had the option. There's no way I would have tried to talk my dad into loaning me a chunk of change because I screwed up, and pretty much since I've had jobs I've made more than my mom. Sure, I've made some financial mistakes over the years and used a credit card as supplemental income for a long time, I don't pretend to be the picture of financial perfection... but I don't make the same mistakes over and over, nor screw up often.
The other thing that really gets to me about Josh, is that I've lived with the guy for a year, been a part of the same band for a year, and worked with him for quite a while, and I do not know him at all. I know parts of his personality, that he's quick to judgement about something he didn't come to enjoy himself and that he likes beer. That's about it. I pretty much just see him on Thursday nights now, and he's gone for the rest of the week. Hell, even when he had a job I've had the vibe that he didn't want to be here much. He was always "going up to my parents" which I thought was pretty weird as if you have your own place, that should be home right? Of course we've also since known that a lot of times, he never made it to his parents house on those excursions... and gets dismissive and downright violently opposed to discussing the matters if we EVER bring it up... which leads me to believe that he's doing things that he himself knows he shouldn't be doing, or that he's ashamed to admit he's doing. He leads 3 lives, one here with us one or two days a week, one up at his parents house where he's viewed as an angel (with an attitude) and one that only he really knows. We have assumations about it, but that's as far as it'll go. I really don't care if he has another group of friends, hell, at this point, I really don't even care if he's into Smack, Weed, etc... at least if he is, he's smart enough not to bring it into the house, as I'd be liable to get into, and fucking dominate, a fist fight. I won't tolerate that environment or the people that comes with it in my own damned house... one of the prime reasons that I stayed with my dad during both of my parent's breakups.
Religion really confuses me. Namely that people are very proud to be of a certain religion, but NO FUCKING ONE abides by the laws and rules of their chosen religion. Especially with christianity. People love the whole idea of eternal happiness when you die, but aren't willing to subside the partying, promiscous or intoxifying lifestyle they still hold on to. I'm talking about the people who are adamantly pro-life, until they get knocked the fuck up on spring break. The good christian politicians who couldn't imagine a day in which same-sex marriage would be legal, and yet partake of the goatse.cx from time to time. I'm sick of people pretending to be something they're not. If you like the idea of Heaven and Angels but don't want to think about consequences, then you're not a fucking christian. You're an Agnostic whose been forcefed a few positive points on that religion. Just be who you are for fucks sake. If you want to be a christian, and have the faith for it, and don't cherry pick what you want out of it, that's great and I respect that. Unfortunately, I'm going to guess that's probably about 1 out of 15 people who call themselves christian.
On the other hand, what really annoys me is the hokey christian fluff that most well off 'christians' get into in later years. The poem about the footsteps, the ghastly sappy cards... all of that stuff. Well, I pretty much roll my eyes at any of it. It's all candy-coated bullshit on a stick, and most of the people that buy into all of that junk seem to be like mindless cult followers who view that as how they should follow their religion. I feel the same way of all the bullshit Pagan books... if the religion is supposedly so fucking old, why are virtually all of the books on the subject less than 30 years old?
I know all that ranting was convoluted, and pretty much just for me to vent off some steam. If I've offended anybody by what I've said... eh, fuck it, this was for me so I really don't care that much.
Well, I guess it's time for a bit of an update.
My Engl e530 has some electrical issues. This is damned frustrating since I've owned the thing for 3 months, but I severely doubt that Engl is to blame for it, our practice space has been having some electrical inconsistencies for quite a while and I don't yet have a power conditioner (however that's my top priority right now). Engl doesn't seem to mention a damned thing about warranty, but lists some authorized service places, so I have no choice but to have the thing repaired.
I have two choices, there's one that's like 12 miles away from where we are, and I'm waiting back on word if they're able to service Engl products (I should probably shoot them another email, the first I sent Friday night). If not, I gotta take it to the authorized service center, and they're 25 miles away. Either way, I have to get the thing fixed before the 15th.
Oh yeah, the 15th. That'll be our first day in the studio. It'll be good to get something out, so we can start playing venues instead of just hyping that we're awesome. Either way, I'll go back to saving up for guitar gear after we're done dropping the tracks and what not.
I still need an ISP Decimator, probably the G-string pedal. I'll also need an EQ at some point, and I'm on the fence about a BBE Sonic Maximizer or an aural exciter. At some point I'll need some kind of effects station, but I'm not incredibly worried about it yet. I'll also have to have my guitar looked over by a luthier at some point, I'm getting some irritating things happening (strings buzzing while open, especially after changing strings, intonation a little bit, and my pickup switch going out on me).
Unrelated though, I've been looking for some albums to buy recently, and a lot of them have been difficult to locate. The ones that confused me the most was Kalmah's first 3 albums "Swampsong, They Will Return and Swamplord". Most of them are going for some pretty crazy prices on Amazon as they're apparently discontinued?!? What the hell?
Things just keep happening
I'm working on losing weight now. I went to purchase some pants last week, and I have to return most of them because they're too small... and I chose a, in my mind, quite large size. This makes me quite angry with myself that I just haven't paid attention to this stuff in such a long time. I've been walking almost every day about a mile and a half, trying to get back in shape... guess I'll be utilizing that along with some more exercise and *gulp* a diet. I'm mostly there, having a sensible breakfast and lunch, but when I get home it seems that all bets are off *l* I just gotta keep that in check.
In band news, things are shaping up for our first demo. I guess our plan is to attempt to gather our money for the month and jump on recording the first week in May, failing that the 2nd week, etc. The lineup for the demo should be Altar Whore, Fright Night and Demon's Lament. These songs are great, but I do want to throw my 2 cents into the fray and say that October Mourning and Sewn Together are my two favorites, but they're still getting the shellac treatment, so not quite ready to record, however I'd be happy to perform them live.
We have a few more songs in the works as well. I really like the way the sound is coming for these new tracks. The sound is heavier and a little more proggy. They still have normal song structure which I might change up for a couple in the works. We're trying to work out a good bridge passage for a mostly completed song called Valley of Ashes which has some black metal elements, which shows you how much heavier we're getting. We also have another one that has no lyrics yet, but is working out to sound a bit like a medley between Lamb of God and Strapping Young Lad that's really sick and brutal... and unless I'm in pristine rock-out mode, taxes me greatly as a guitarist. And yet another song that's been on the back burner that I don't know much about since they kind of canceled working on it when we lost our vocalist, 2 weeks after I moved out here. We have our vocalist now, so we should probably work on it again.
Now, I have probably 3 mostly-completed songs that I haven't really shared much about since we were on a writing freeze. We're focusing on getting these 3 songs recorded and getting our demo out there first though. One idea is for most distribution to be done through CD Baby (this enables us to save on pressing costs and also we could be available on iTunes), and pressing or burning some for our local use... these would most likely be signed and possibly numbered, I think a good incentive to come to a show.
Good things are coming though. Expect new music to rock your socks off with crushing power and thrash riffs, death grinding, acoustic passages, funky grooves and some math. I have some ideas about layering vocals since I view them as another instrument rather than just the conveyance of words.
In more news, I really miss Helen, Josh, Wendy, Lisa 'n everybody else from Sacramento. Helen quite a bit. I talk to her quite frequently through text messages (one of the 2 possibly 3 reasons I still keep my phone these days, and it's worth it). You don't truly realize how awesome a friend is until you're forced to be away from them for an extended period of time. I had to set her straight about how awesome she was the other night, but to be perfectly honest, it was a list of things I had wanted to tell her for a long time, but didn't have a good way of just coming out and saying it all. I feel really good about it though.
And I'll leave you with the fact that Devin Townsend's Ki project is great, and I'm really looking forward to the other 3 to follow (hopefully) sometime this year. So far, I like Disruptr, Gato and Heaven Send. Their progression kind of reminds me of SYL's song Fire, but the whole album is great and covers a vast array of musical styles, just like the rest of the Devin Townsend albums usually do.
So, our apartment is currently without power. I hear that the bill has been paid and service should be back on in the morning. In the meantime, I decided to crash at Adgee's until that whole thing blows over... I have some insight and grumps about this situation, but I"m so tired, I'll bitch about it in the morning.
It's hard to admit you were outright wrong. I'm in for a few uncomfortable months in the future. Chiloh doesn't want me around anymore. Part of it was that she thought I remained depressed far after I had been over it. Part of it was that I told her I love her. Before that, I'm sure part of it was that she was worried that she was the only reason for me to smile (and for a while, she was right). And there's also her "shiny" complex.
I'm not certain right now how long she's wanted me gone, I still need to ask. I'm sure she'll say August as thats when I told her I loved her, but I'm guessing it went back farther than that. Now I know she's not good at communicating face to face (she refused to talk face to face on the matter) but I wish she would have brought it up or tried to make things work much earlier than this.
She said a few things that made me realize I misjudged her character. You see, she doesn't understand what a friend is. She makes acquaintances all over the place, but she doesn't really have any close friends. She likes to go out and have fun with people from time to time, but she has a mental instability... she's deathly afraid of commitment... to anything. If she doesn't want to do something or go somewhere, she won't, but doesn't handle it very well. Like making plans and then "forgetting" about it or sleeping through it. She freaks out and goes semi-psycho if someone (besides Mike) has feelings for her.
She doesn't want friends I don't think. She doesn't work that way. I'm sure she'd be happy kidnapping Mike, and running off to the hills. Problem is, and I hope it's not true... if she ever did get back together with him, I fear she'll be bored of him in a couple years time... why not? she's done it to every one else she's known, it makes no sense why he would be exempt.
Another thing that's irked me a bit is her religion stuff. She was a self-proclaimed pagan for a long time... never really practiced or believed in the gods (so what the fuck, seriously?)... I think she just thought it was neat, and another way to annoy others who might not have shared the same views on sexuality and other topics. She's been obsessed with the muslim faith for many many years as well (and brief spurts into hijab-wear, which really doesn't suit her and I feel is just another one of her ways to protest for the sake of protesting). Now, she's wrapped up in an episcopalian church, and she sounds a little serious about it, but I have my intuition tell me otherwise.
She keeps trying to tell herself that she's doing this not just because Mike is christian (and was her believed issue he had with her when he left). I don't buy that really, but whatever. However, what does bother me is that she's jumped in quite far without thinking at all. She's all excited that she's supposed to be baptised a couple months from now... which is a serious ritual signifying your lifelong devotion to the faith... and she hasn't even come to terms with the very basis of the religion. It's like having a Bris, but your buddist, it's just not right. I don't know, if she does find long term happiness with this latest foray into religion, I'm happy for her, but when she starts being held accountable by others in the church and she realizes that it's much more of a commitment than saying the words "I'm pagan" I don't think she'll be able to handle it and run away like she does to people like me.
Ok, another subject. I've heard her tell me that she sorry she's a bad friend. First time she told me she said "I'm sorry I've been a bad friend lately" and I accepted that. But it never got better. She kept saying she was sorry when she felt guilty enough to say something to me, and I finally got the hint. Sure she feels sorry, but she didn't (nor did she ever) want to fix what was wrong, she just wanted it (me) to go the fuck away, and didn't have the guts to tell me. That's what bothers me the most... that she didn't want to fix it. Really showed me how important I was to her. Nothing really mattered. She meant well, wanting to help me, but gave up within 2 months because I didn't turn into a different person (I returned to my normal state, and I guess she doesn't like me for who I really am).
No regrets. I'm not sorry I moved in with her. I enjoyed her presence... I still do. I still want to be friends with her, I've long since realized that I may have feelings for her, but it would never work out, and didn't want to pursue them further. It did teach me that actually confessing your love for someone can and will be a hurtful, scarring event, and that it was my frist time, and quite possibly the last time I'll risk doing it. I'm severely hurt. Not by the rejection, that stung for a while, but I don't care about that anymore. It's that she reacted so vehemently against me as a person from that moment on, that leaves me confused, hurt, sad and alone. That's when my depression came back (the depression she thought I never lost).
Chiloh, I love you. I always will love you. That shouldn't be a threat, just something to be aware of. It shouldn't have affected our friendship at all, and instead it utterly obliterated what was left of it. I'm angry that you never said anything or wanted to resolve it. It angers me that I meant so little to you that you just gave up and threw me away. It further reinforced how I view myself (that you despise so much). I don't mean enough to anyone, I'm replacable, I'm the third wheel. I've felt that way through almost my entire life, and two months of smiling at me just wasn't going to fix that. I'm broke, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you thought you could fix me without effort.
I've tried so hard these last few months to be your friend. I've tried talking to you, I get excited every time I hear you come home, I still try to help out where I can, be a fucking idiot and spend money on you even when I can't afford it and know it won't be appreciated. I want very much for us to remain friends, but... I've never stopped trying, it's all up to you and whether you still want me in your mind or heart.
This wasn't a passive-aggressive veiled blog post, it's full on aggressive. These are the things I'd like to talk to you about and which you don't want to. I agree, talking through emails is an easier way to collect your thoughts and not say something stupid... but it completely dehumanizes the situation. There's no realtime emotion and it just turns into a debate, and ultimately much less satisfying. I need to talk to you soon. If not talk with you, then talk at you. I just want to get this stuff off my chest so I can clear up anything that needs to be cleared and bring closure, so I don't feel like you and Mike.
I miss friends that care. I've been so lonely that I went and worked for free at Arden on one of my days off, just so I could get out of the house or have any human contact with people I wanted to (work doesn't count). I live with someone who's used me up and thrown me away, or at least it feels that way most of the time. She's moved on to a few other people as her current favorite since me. It's finally made me angry. Angry and sad. But I haven't made her angry and sad yet, so she's oblivious to it... I'll probably just stay in my room as much as possible outside of work just to avoid her and everyone else. It's rejection in full on a friendship level it would seem.
I miss being able to connect with someone who has similar interests to me. Adgee's the closest person I know who shares any interest in the same type of music that I do, but it's very limited. I know no one who plays music remotely in my style. Sean and Virginia keep begging me to move out there with them... every once in a while I think it's a good idea. They want help with their game company, they need a second guitarist for their band Sin for Sin and I have a large history with them. but I know I'm not very compatible with them anymore.
I miss love. I have none... not for a long time. I'm talking a lot longer than the 22nd of last year too. I miss having that feeling that someone cares about you and feeling affection and keeping each other company. I'm not fit for love though. I'm too shy and immobile to ever meet anyone new and I really don't have any friends who could introduce me to anyone new. I'm pretty much a social fuck-up.
I miss my family. I miss my dad, a lot. He was one of the last people around who cared for me and we shared interests. He's gone and I get on as best I can, but it's fucking difficult. Even my good memories of him now hurt too much to recall. I miss being able to walk to my moms house if I needed someone to keep me company... now I'm lucky if I get to see her every couple years (my recent chance got fucked thanks to unreliable employees).
I miss passion. I don't care about anyone or anything anymore. I'm just going day to day as an empty shell hoping I can soon get home and go to sleep and avoid reality. My weekends usually consist of sleeping in and not getting out of bed... I have no energy due to depression. I listen to podcasts and comedy albums while I go to sleep at night so I feel like I'm not absolutely alone in the void of my life... but it won't help forever.
It's been a while since I've updated, so I figured I'd do so now.
I was supposed to go up to Humboldt this last weekend (getting home tonight) but all my workers had problems of their own and I was instead forced to work a 52 hour week last week, and 48 hours this week. All the specifics really don't matter much as I've informed everyone about them, and also made an LJ post about it.
I'm going to love my paycheck on the 25th because of that, but money isn't everything. I got fucked over. I was going to have a very fun time up there. I was going to take Helen and possibly Chris with me. Spend Friday night with Chiloh's mom, Saturday roaming Apple Harvest Festival and possibly hit up Centerville or Manilla Beach, and Sunday I was going to try to visit my mom, as her brother was in town for the weekend (haven't seen my uncle in well over a decade). Ohh well.
One of these days I do wanna gather up a bunch of peeps and go up there. I got Helen excited enough that she asked me if she could go. Honestly though, this time of year isn't great for visiting, it's probably raining cats and dogs for the next 5 or 6 months, which also brings the risk of getting stuck there with 101 closings happening so frequently (well, there's always 36, or 299... less pleasant, but they will work... so long as they're not snowed in... see what I mean?).
Being alone for so long has made me quite lonely though. I was perfectly prepared to spend Saturday night at work and work Sunday as well. Chiloh was gone, so there was nothing to come home to, and I'd get to hang out with Chad for a few hours on Sunday. Lisa ended up working for me though, so I went home Saturday night anyway. Sunday I was pretty exhausted, never bothered putting clothes back on (almost answered the door naked when some mormons were doing their door to door thing).
I'm kind of scared at the moment though. I guess Chiloh's mom kinda asked her to move out to near Reno in the Spring. She's really happy to do so, but that means one of two things. Either I move out there with them (which I'm sure isn't something she'd be overly happy about), or I start looking for some room mates, and never hear from her again when she moves away (it's not like she cares that much about me to attempt to keep in touch). Wonder if/when she tells her girlfriend that news. Ehh, it's still early in the game, nothings for sure right now, but it's still not making me feel good.
I mean, do I leave my few friends and decent job behind to move out to Reno for some stupid reason that I know is hopeless? Or do I lose the person I love forever? Maybe it's for the best, who knows. I know it's useless, she doesn't have any feelings for me... or interest in me... even as a friend most times. But she's also very loving and nurturing and makes me happy.
Well, that wasn't the desired outcome. Chiloh thought I was upset about something she did. She was over w/ her girlfriend (didn't even know she had one until two days ago) and then left for the day. They closed the door, and I threw my headphones at the door. Was I angry? Yeah, but I wasn't angry with her. I just wanted to do something today... anything with anybody. I had been trying while they were asleep here, and nothing was fruitful. I was angry because I was alone, again, like I always am. That's all.
I'll have to write her an email tonight explaining myself more thoroughly. It doesn't anger me that she has a girlfriend. It doesn't anger me that they took a nap together today either. She's her own person and having me care about her just isn't working for either party. I just don't want her to go away... maybe a little attention every now and then wouldn't hurt, but I just don't want to lose her. That's what I'm worried about. She gets distracted by others, and I don't want her to forget about me enough that she'll leave... it'll happen eventually, I just don't want it to happen now which is what I see happening in the near future.
I need a car so I can visit friends or occupy myself outside the house... I wish I could remedy that situation, it'd make things a lot better.
What gift from a parent do you remember the most?
Submitted by jorge456.
My dad's 12-string guitar he got from Japan. I remember him playing songs on it when I was little. He couldn't play it much by the time I was in high school because of the repetitive stress affecting his hands, but it was a lot of good memories prior to that. He gave it to me when I left Humboldt County to go to school in Sacramento... I've taken excellent care of it since. I've just done some repair work on it, and I just need to find some silk-wound strings for it, and it'll be as good as new again.
